You receive ten kind messages about something you’ve done and one piece of criticism. Which one do you remember as you’re falling asleep? If you’re like most people, it’s the critical one. That single comment loops through your mind while the praise dissolves like it was never there.
Or perhaps you make a small mistake at work and immediately think “I’m terrible at my job.” A friend doesn’t reply to your text and you’re convinced you’ve upset them. You have a wonderful day but dismiss it as “just luck” rather than something you created or deserved.
These aren’t random thoughts. They’re patterns, well-worn grooves your mind falls into again and again. Psychologists call them cognitive distortions, but you might simply recognise them as the voice in your head that’s rarely on your side. The one that turns molehills into mountains, filters out the good and spotlights the bad, and somehow always finds a way to make everything your fault.
Here’s what matters: these patterns are learned. They made sense once, usually when you were younger and trying to make sense of difficult experiences. Your mind was doing its best to protect you, to predict danger, to keep you safe. The problem is that what once protected you might now be limiting you, keeping you anxious, low, or stuck in ways that feel impossible to shift.
But patterns that were learned can be unlearned. Not by forcing yourself to “think positive” or beating yourself up for thinking negatively, but through gentle awareness and compassionate exploration of where these thoughts come from and what they’re trying to do.
This article explores the common thinking traps we all fall into, why they develop, and how they keep anxiety, low mood, and poor self-worth in place. More importantly, it looks at how therapy can help you develop a different relationship with your thoughts, one where you’re not at their mercy.
I offer person-centred counselling in Cornwall and online throughout the UK, and I work with people every day who are exhausted by their own minds. If you recognise yourself in what follows, know that you’re not broken or weak. You’re human, and there’s a way forward that doesn’t involve simply trying harder to think differently.
What Are Cognitive Distortions? The Patterns That Shape How You See Everything
Cognitive distortions are habitual ways of thinking that bend reality in unhelpful directions. They’re not occasional negative thoughts, which everyone has. They’re consistent patterns, automatic responses that kick in so fast you barely notice them happening.
The term comes from psychiatrist Aaron Beck, whose work in the 1960s identified these thinking styles in people experiencing depression and anxiety. What he noticed was that people weren’t responding to reality itself, but to their interpretation of reality, and those interpretations followed predictable, distorted patterns.
Think of cognitive distortions as filters or lenses. The same event can look completely different depending on which filter you’re viewing it through. Someone with a “mental filtering” pattern might attend a party, have twenty positive interactions and one awkward moment, and leave thinking “That was awful.” The filter only let the negative through.
The cycle typically works like this:
Something happens (a situation or trigger). Your mind immediately interprets it through your particular filter (the distorted thought). That thought creates an emotional response (anxiety, shame, sadness). The emotion then drives behaviour (avoiding, seeking reassurance, withdrawing). The behaviour seems to confirm the original thought, strengthening the pattern for next time.
Let’s say someone doesn’t reply to your message. The distorted thought might be “They’re angry with me.” That creates anxiety and guilt. So you send multiple follow-up messages apologising. When they finally reply saying they were just busy, you feel relieved, but your brain has learned: “When people don’t reply, I need to worry and act quickly.” The cycle is reinforced.
These patterns feel like truth. They feel like facts about yourself, others, and how the world works. But they’re interpretations, and interpretations can be questioned, explored, and gradually shifted toward something more balanced and kind.
The important thing to understand is that you’re not doing this on purpose. These aren’t choices you’re making consciously. They’re automatic responses your mind learned long ago, and they’re still running even though circumstances have changed.
“Men are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them.”
Epictetus
Why We Develop These Patterns: It’s Not Your Fault
Understanding where cognitive distortions come from helps you meet them with compassion rather than frustration. These patterns didn’t develop randomly. They formed for reasons that made sense at the time.
Early Life: Where the Patterns Begin
Childhood experiences shape the core beliefs you carry about yourself, others, and the world. If you grew up with criticism, you might have internalised “I’m not good enough” as a fundamental truth. If care was inconsistent, you might have learned “People leave” or “I can’t trust anyone.”
These core beliefs sit underneath your daily thoughts, quietly influencing how you interpret everything that happens. When something goes wrong, your mind doesn’t start from a neutral place. It interprets the event through the lens of these early conclusions.
A child who was frequently told off for making mistakes learns to scan constantly for errors, developing what will later look like “mental filtering” or “catastrophising.” A child whose needs were dismissed learns that asking for help is dangerous, leading to patterns of “should statements” about coping alone.
None of this is about blaming your parents or your past. Most caregivers did their best with their own wounds and limitations. But acknowledging where patterns formed helps you see them as learned responses rather than unchangeable truths about who you are.
Survival Mode: When Caution Becomes a Prison
Your brain is wired to keep you alive. Thousands of years ago, that meant assuming the rustling in the bushes was a predator rather than the wind. Better to run unnecessarily a hundred times than fail to run the once it actually matters.
This negativity bias served our ancestors well. In modern life, though, it can go into overdrive. Your brain still treats social rejection, mistakes at work, or uncertain situations as threats to your survival. The same wiring that once protected you from actual danger now keeps you catastrophising about emails, personalising other people’s moods, and predicting disaster in situations that are merely uncomfortable.
These patterns can feel protective in the moment. Catastrophising feels like you’re preparing for the worst, staying in control. Personalising feels like you’re taking responsibility, being a good person. Mental filtering for problems feels like you’re staying alert, not being complacent.
But what feels protective is actually keeping you trapped in anxiety and hypervigilance. The protection has become a prison, and your nervous system never gets to rest.
Mental Shortcuts: When Speed Trumps Accuracy
Your brain processes an enormous amount of information every day. To manage this, it takes shortcuts, making quick judgements based on patterns from the past. These mental shortcuts, called heuristics, save time but sacrifice nuance.
One bad experience with a dog leads to “all dogs are dangerous.” One rejection leads to “I always get rejected.” These quick generalisations are cognitive distortions in action: overgeneralisation, all-or-nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions.
The shortcuts feel efficient. Why carefully evaluate every situation when you can just apply the rule your brain already wrote? The problem is that these rules were often written based on limited, painful experiences, and they don’t account for the full complexity of life now.
Trauma and Adversity: When Distortions Become Armour
If you’ve experienced trauma, abuse, neglect, or prolonged adversity, cognitive distortions often develop as survival strategies. Hypervigilance becomes normal. Expecting the worst feels necessary. Taking blame for things beyond your control can feel safer than accepting the randomness and unfairness of what happened.
These patterns made sense. They helped you navigate an environment that genuinely wasn’t safe. The problem is that the patterns remain long after the danger has passed, shaping how you see every situation, relationship, and possibility.
This isn’t weakness. It’s your mind doing its best to protect you with the tools it developed. Understanding this creates compassion for yourself and opens the door to developing new tools that fit your life now.
The Ten Most Common Thinking Traps
Most people don’t have just one distortion. We tend to have a collection of favourite patterns that show up in different situations. As you read through these, notice which ones feel familiar. Not for self-criticism, but for awareness. Awareness is always the first step.
All-or-Nothing Thinking: The Perfectionist’s Prison
Life is seen in extremes: perfect or failure, good or bad, success or disaster. There’s no middle ground, no “good enough.” One mistake means you’ve completely failed. One difficult day means you’re back to square one.
This pattern creates impossible standards. Nothing you do ever quite measures up because perfection is the only acceptable outcome. The emotional cost is constant pressure, frequent disappointment, and an inability to recognise progress unless it’s complete.
What it sounds like: “If I can’t do it perfectly, there’s no point trying.” “One slip means I’ve ruined everything.” “Either people like me completely or they don’t like me at all.”
Overgeneralisation: When One Becomes Always
A single negative event becomes a never-ending pattern. One rejection means “I always get rejected.” One mistake means “I never do anything right.” One bad day means “My life is always terrible.”
The language is telling: always, never, everyone, no one. These absolute words turn isolated incidents into sweeping conclusions about yourself, others, and your future. This pattern breeds hopelessness because if something is “always” true, what’s the point in trying to change it?
What it sounds like: “This always happens to me.” “I never succeed at anything.” “Everyone thinks I’m incompetent.”
Mental Filtering: Spotlighting the Negative
Your attention locks onto the one negative detail and filters out everything else. You receive overwhelmingly positive feedback with one small criticism, and the criticism is all you can think about. You have a good day with one awkward moment, and the awkward moment defines the entire day.
It’s like having a mental highlighter that only works on problems, criticisms, and disappointments. The positive fades into the background while the negative stays bright and impossible to ignore.
What it sounds like: “Yes, but…” (dismissing positive feedback to focus on the flaw). “That one thing ruined everything.” “I can’t stop thinking about what went wrong.”
Jumping to Conclusions: Mind Reading and Fortune Telling
You make assumptions and treat them as facts. Mind reading is when you assume you know what others are thinking, usually something negative about you. Fortune telling is when you predict the future, usually disaster, without evidence.
Someone doesn’t smile at you and you “know” they’re annoyed with you. You have an upcoming meeting and you “know” it will go badly. These assumptions feel certain, but they’re guesses dressed up as facts, and they create anxiety based on scenarios that might not even be real.
What it sounds like: “They definitely think I’m stupid.” “I know this is going to be a disaster.” “They’re clearly upset with me.”
Catastrophising: From Molehill to Mountain in Seconds
A small problem becomes an inevitable disaster. One mistake at work becomes losing your job, then your home, then everything falling apart. A physical symptom becomes a serious illness. A relationship disagreement becomes certain abandonment.
Your mind follows the thread of worst possible outcomes, each one feeling more real than the last. Your body responds to these imagined disasters as if they’re actually happening, flooding you with anxiety and making it impossible to think clearly or solve problems calmly.
What it sounds like: “This is going to be a complete disaster.” “Everything is falling apart.” “This is the worst thing that could possibly happen.”
Emotional Reasoning: When Feelings Become Facts
You assume that because you feel something, it must be true. “I feel like a failure, therefore I am a failure.” “I feel afraid, therefore I must be in danger.” “I feel guilty, therefore I did something wrong.”
Emotions are real and valid, but they’re not always accurate reporters of reality. When you treat feelings as evidence, you never question the thoughts creating those feelings. The pattern becomes self-reinforcing: you feel bad, conclude something must be wrong, feel worse, conclude things are even worse than you thought.
What it sounds like: “I feel stupid, so I must be stupid.” “I feel like everyone hates me, so they probably do.” “I feel overwhelmed, so this situation must be impossible.”
Should Statements: The Tyranny of Unrealistic Rules
You have rigid rules about how you, others, and life should be. “I should be able to cope without help.” “They should have known what I needed.” “Life should be fair.” When reality doesn’t match these rules, you feel guilt, anger, frustration, or shame.
Should statements create constant pressure and disappointment. They don’t account for complexity, context, or the reality that people (including you) are imperfect humans doing their best. The rules feel like moral imperatives, but they’re often just inherited expectations that don’t actually serve you.
What it sounds like: “I should be further along by now.” “I shouldn’t need to ask for help.” “They should know better.”
Labelling: From Action to Identity
Instead of describing what happened, you attack your whole identity. Not “I made a mistake,” but “I’m an idiot.” Not “I struggled with that,” but “I’m useless.” A single action or moment becomes a fixed, global label that defines who you are.
This pattern is particularly damaging to self-worth because it doesn’t leave room for growth, complexity, or change. If you’re “lazy” rather than “tired today,” there’s nothing to work with. If you’re “a failure” rather than “someone who didn’t succeed at this particular thing,” there’s no path forward.
What it sounds like: “I’m such an idiot.” “I’m completely useless.” “I’m a terrible person.”
Personalisation: When Everything Becomes Your Fault
You take responsibility for things outside your control. Someone is quiet and you assume you’ve upset them. A project doesn’t go well and you blame yourself entirely, ignoring other factors. Something goes wrong and your immediate response is “What did I do?”
This pattern creates a crushing sense of responsibility for other people’s feelings, for circumstances, for outcomes that involve multiple factors. It’s exhausting because you’re constantly scanning for what you did wrong, what you should have done differently, how you caused whatever happened.
What it sounds like: “It’s my fault they’re upset.” “If I’d just done X differently, this wouldn’t have happened.” “I’m responsible for making everyone comfortable.”
Disqualifying the Positive: Never Letting Good Things Land
When something good happens or someone gives you genuine praise, you dismiss it. “They’re just being nice.” “It was luck.” “Anyone could have done that.” “It doesn’t count because…”
You have a dozen ways to explain away successes, compliments, and positive experiences so they never challenge your negative core beliefs. This pattern is particularly insidious because it makes it almost impossible to build self-esteem. Evidence of your worth, skill, or lovability is constantly being rejected before it can register.
What it sounds like: “They don’t really mean it.” “It was just luck.” “I only did okay because the task was easy.” “That doesn’t count.”
How These Patterns Keep You Stuck
Cognitive distortions don’t just make you feel bad in the moment. They create and maintain cycles that keep anxiety, depression, and low self-worth firmly in place.
The anxiety cycle: Patterns like catastrophising, jumping to conclusions, and mental filtering keep your threat detection system permanently activated. Your brain interprets normal situations as dangerous, your body responds with anxiety, and you avoid or seek reassurance, which prevents you from learning that the situation was actually safe. The avoidance confirms the danger in your mind, strengthening the pattern.
The depression cycle: Overgeneralisation, disqualifying the positive, and all-or-nothing thinking maintain hopelessness. Good things don’t count, bad things are permanent patterns, and nothing you do is ever quite good enough. These thoughts shape a reality where nothing will ever improve, which makes it nearly impossible to find motivation or energy. Why try when the outcome is predetermined by your thinking?
The self-esteem erosion: Labelling, personalisation, and should statements constantly attack your sense of worth. Every mistake becomes evidence of fundamental inadequacy. Every struggle becomes your fault. Every achievement is dismissed or attributed to external factors. Over time, you internalise a deeply negative self-concept that feels unshakeable because it’s constantly being “confirmed” by distorted thinking.
The relationship strain: Mind reading, personalisation, and should statements create problems where none exist. You assume others are judging you negatively. You take responsibility for their feelings. You hold rigid expectations about how they should behave. All of this creates tension, misunderstandings, and genuine relationship problems that then seem to confirm your negative assumptions.
The patterns feel like they’re protecting you or just describing reality accurately. In fact, they’re actively constructing a painful reality and keeping you trapped in it.
A Person-Centred Approach: Learning to Be With Your Thoughts Differently
I don’t offer Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, though I respect its effectiveness for many people. My approach is person-centred, which means we work together to understand your unique experience and follow where your own wisdom leads, rather than applying a standardised technique.
This matters when working with thinking patterns because the goal isn’t to force yourself to think differently or to challenge every negative thought with logical arguments. The goal is to develop a different relationship with your thoughts altogether, one where they inform you without controlling you.
Creating Safety to Explore
The first thing therapy offers is safety. A space where you can explore painful thoughts without judgment, where nothing you think makes you bad or wrong, where your patterns are met with curiosity rather than criticism.
Many people have spent years trying to wrestle their thoughts into submission, beating themselves up for thinking negatively, forcing positive affirmations that feel hollow. This approach just creates more struggle and often more shame when it doesn’t work.
In person-centred counselling, we start from acceptance. These thoughts make sense given your history. These patterns formed for reasons. You’re not defective for thinking this way. When you feel genuinely accepted, including the parts of yourself you judge harshly, something shifts. The defensive grip loosens and real exploration becomes possible.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Carl Rogers
Developing Awareness Without Judgment
The first step is simply noticing. Not changing, not challenging, just becoming aware of the patterns as they happen. This is harder than it sounds because these thoughts move so quickly and feel so true.
In sessions, we slow things down together. You might describe a situation that was difficult, and we explore what thoughts came up, what you noticed in your body, what you felt, what you did next. Gradually, you start to see the patterns. “Oh, there’s that all-or-nothing thinking again.” “Ah, I’m mind reading what they thought about me.”
This noticing, without immediately trying to fix or change anything, is profound. It creates a small space between you and your thoughts. Instead of being lost in “I’m a failure,” you can notice “I’m having the thought that I’m a failure.” That distinction matters enormously.
Understanding the Function
Every thought pattern serves a function, even the painful ones. We explore what these thoughts are trying to do for you. What are they protecting you from? What do they help you avoid?
Maybe catastrophising feels like you’re staying prepared, keeping yourself from being blindsided. Maybe mental filtering feels like you’re staying humble, not getting complacent. Maybe personalisation feels like you’re being responsible, maintaining control in an unpredictable world.
When you understand what these patterns are trying to offer, you can develop compassion for them. They’re not enemies to defeat. They’re parts of yourself trying to keep you safe using outdated strategies. This compassionate understanding creates space for change that shaming yourself never could.
Reconnecting With Your Inner Wisdom
Beneath the distorted thoughts sits something quieter: your own inner wisdom about what you need, what’s true, and what serves you. Person-centred therapy trusts that you have this wisdom, even when it’s buried under years of harsh self-talk.
As we work together, you begin to hear that quieter voice more clearly. Not through me telling you what to think, but through you discovering what you actually believe when the distortions quieten down. You start to recognise the difference between the anxious, critical voice and the wiser, kinder one underneath.
This isn’t about forced positive thinking. It’s about accessing a more balanced, compassionate perspective that already exists within you but gets drowned out by the louder patterns.
Practising New Responses
As awareness grows and you reconnect with your own wisdom, you naturally begin experimenting with different responses. Not because you’re forcing yourself to think differently, but because you’re making space for thoughts that feel more true.
You might notice the catastrophising thought and gently ask yourself, “Is that definitely what will happen, or is that the pattern talking?” You might catch yourself labelling and instead describe what actually occurred: “I made a mistake” rather than “I’m an idiot.”
These shifts happen gradually through practice, not through willpower or self-criticism. In sessions, we reflect on what you’re noticing, what’s shifting, what still feels stuck. The work is collaborative, with me offering perspective while respecting that you’re the expert on your own experience.
The Role of Core Beliefs
Often, the daily thought distortions are symptoms of deeper core beliefs formed long ago. “I’m not good enough.” “I’m unlovable.” “The world isn’t safe.” “People can’t be trusted.”
As therapy progresses, we may explore these foundational beliefs, understanding where they came from and how they’re influencing your current life. This deeper work takes time and trust, but it’s where lasting change happens.
When core beliefs begin to shift, the surface-level distortions often ease naturally. You don’t have to battle each individual thought when the underlying belief creating them has softened.
Integrating Mind and Body
Thoughts don’t exist in isolation. They’re connected to what you feel in your body and how you regulate your emotions. Person-centred work pays attention to this whole experience.
You might notice that catastrophising comes with a tight chest and shallow breathing. Personalisation might arrive with a heavy feeling in your gut. As you become more aware of these physical cues, you can use them as early warning signs that a pattern is activating, and you can respond with grounding practices before the thoughts take over completely.
This embodied awareness, combined with the relational safety of therapy, helps regulate your nervous system in ways that purely cognitive approaches sometimes miss.
What Therapy With Me Offers
I provide person-centred counselling both in-person in Cornwall and online throughout the UK. The work is tailored to you: your pace, your needs, your goals. I don’t have a standardised programme I’m trying to fit you into.
What you can expect:
A warm, non-judgmental space where all your thoughts and feelings are welcome, even the ones you’re ashamed of.
Genuine acceptance of who you are, including the patterns you’re struggling with. This isn’t superficial reassurance; it’s a deep respect for your experience and your capacity to find your way forward.
Collaborative exploration rather than expert prescription. I don’t claim to know what’s best for you. I offer perspective, ask questions, and walk alongside you as you discover your own answers.
Flexibility in how we work. Some people need more structure, others need open exploration. Some benefit from between-session practices, others just need the space we create together. We’ll find what works for you.
Attention to your whole experience: thoughts, feelings, body sensations, relationships, and the wider context of your life. We’re not just working with isolated thoughts; we’re working with you as a whole person.
Reduced rates for those on lower incomes, because access to support shouldn’t depend on your financial circumstances.
No pressure for long-term commitment. We can work together for as long as feels helpful, whether that’s a few sessions or ongoing support.
The goal isn’t to eliminate negative thoughts or force yourself into unrelenting positivity. It’s to develop a more balanced, compassionate relationship with your mind, where difficult thoughts can arise without completely taking over, where you can respond with wisdom rather than reacting on autopilot.
Small Steps You Can Try Now
While therapy offers deeper, sustained work, there are practices you can begin immediately:
Notice and name: When you’re feeling upset, pause and ask yourself “What am I thinking right now?” Just naming the thought creates a tiny bit of distance from it.
Spot your favourites: Which patterns from the list above show up most often for you? Simply recognising “Ah, that’s catastrophising” or “There’s all-or-nothing thinking again” is valuable awareness.
Ask gently: Instead of forcing different thoughts, ask yourself gentle questions. “Is this definitely true?” “What else might be true?” “What would I say to a friend thinking this?”
Notice the pattern: Track when distortions show up. Is it when you’re tired? Stressed? In certain situations or with certain people? Understanding triggers helps you recognise patterns earlier.
Practice self-compassion: When you notice distorted thinking, meet it with kindness rather than more criticism. “Of course I’m thinking this way, given what I’ve been through. It makes sense.”
Write it down: Externalising thoughts onto paper often helps you see them more clearly and objectively than when they’re swirling in your head.
Connect with your body: When difficult thoughts spiral, bring attention to your breath, your feet on the ground, physical sensations. This can interrupt the mental loop and bring you back to the present.
These aren’t magic solutions, and they work better with professional support, but they’re valuable starting points.
Final Thoughts
Your mind developed these patterns for good reasons. They were attempts to make sense of difficult experiences, to predict danger, to protect you from pain. They’re not evidence that you’re broken or weak or thinking wrong.
But patterns that once served you might now be keeping you stuck, anxious, low, and disconnected from your own worth. And patterns that were learned can be gently unlearned, or at least loosened enough that they don’t control your entire experience.
This work isn’t about forcing yourself to think differently through sheer willpower. It’s about developing awareness, understanding, and compassion for how your mind works. It’s about creating enough safety to explore painful thoughts without being overwhelmed by them. It’s about reconnecting with your own inner wisdom that knows what’s true and what serves you.
You don’t have to do this alone. Person-centred counselling offers a relationship in which this exploration becomes possible, a space where you’re genuinely accepted while you’re learning to accept yourself.
If your mind feels like it’s working against you, if the same painful thoughts keep circling, if you’re exhausted by your own internal critic, there is another way. Reach out when you’re ready. I’m here to help you find it.th difficulties and strengths. It’s about accuracy and compassion, not relentless optimism.
