Have you ever felt a pull toward someone so magnetic that it consumed your thoughts day and night, leaving you breathless and distracted from everything else in your life? Perhaps you’ve noticed your partner withdrawing emotionally, their mind seemingly elsewhere, their phone clutched tightly as they guard secrets you’re not privy to. This isn’t your typical crush or fleeting attraction. You might be witnessing or experiencing something far more psychologically complex: a limerence affair.
Limerence is an involuntary state of intense romantic desire and obsessive attachment to another person. Unlike the steady warmth of healthy love, limerence burns with an addictive intensity that can upend lives, destroy trust, and leave both the person experiencing it and their partner bewildered and in pain. It’s a psychological phenomenon that hijacks your brain chemistry, creating a fantasy world where the object of your obsession becomes an idealised saviour who holds the key to your happiness.
From a therapeutic perspective, understanding limerence is essential because it represents far more than simple infidelity. It’s a symptom of deeper unmet needs, attachment wounds, and psychological vulnerabilities that require compassionate, specialised support to address effectively. Whether you’re the person caught in the grip of limerent obsession or the partner devastated by emotional betrayal, recognising what’s happening is the first step toward healing.
My hope is you’ll gain an understanding of what limerence affairs truly are, how they differ from genuine love, the predictable stages they follow, and the warning signs that something is wrong. More importantly, you’ll discover evidence-based pathways to recovery and learn why professional therapeutic support can make all the difference in navigating this painful experience and emerging stronger on the other side.
Recovery is possible. With the right understanding, commitment, and support, you can break free from the obsessive patterns of limerence and rebuild trust, intimacy, and authentic connection in your relationships.
“Limerence is not love. It’s an involuntary state of obsessive longing that hijacks the mind and heart, creating a fantasy that feels more real than reality itself.” — Dorothy Tennov, Psychologist
What Is a Limerence Affair?
A limerence affair is an intensely consuming form of emotional infidelity characterised by obsessive, involuntary romantic attachment to someone other than your committed partner. The term “limerence” was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979 to describe a distinct psychological state that goes far beyond casual attraction or even passionate love. At its core, limerence involves becoming fixated on what’s called the “Limerent Object” (LO)—the person who becomes the focus of your obsessive thoughts and fantasies.
Unlike a physical affair that centres primarily on sexual betrayal, a limerence affair is fundamentally an affair of the mind and emotions. Your thoughts become involuntarily hijacked by intrusive, persistent fantasies about the LO, often occupying 85% to 100% of your mental space. You find yourself replaying conversations, imagining future scenarios, and desperately seeking any sign that your intense feelings might be reciprocated.
Core Characteristics of Limerence
The experience is driven by four core characteristics:
- Acute Longing for Reciprocation: You experience an overwhelming desire for the LO to return your feelings. Your primary goal isn’t necessarily a physical relationship but emotional validation and reciprocation.
- Mood Dependency: Your emotional state becomes entirely dependent on the LO’s actions or perceived actions—a kind word sends you soaring into euphoria, while perceived indifference plunges you into despair.
- Crystallisation Process: You engage in a process called “crystallisation,” where you magnify all of the LO’s positive qualities while completely ignoring or rationalising away their flaws. You’re not falling for who this person truly is; you’re falling for an idealised fantasy version you’ve constructed in your mind.
- Involuntary and Uncontrollable: The experience feels completely involuntary and uncontrollable, much like an addiction. Your brain’s reward centre floods with dopamine each time you receive even the smallest “crumb” of attention from the LO, creating a powerful cycle of craving and reward that makes the obsession feel impossible to resist.
The affair exists primarily in your head, a vivid fantasy world that feels more real and compelling than your actual relationship. You’re not truly connected to the real person who is the object of your obsession. You’re addicted to the feeling they give you and the perfect image you’ve projected onto them. This is what makes limerence affairs so psychologically destructive—your partner isn’t competing with another real human being. They’re competing with an impossible fantasy.
How Limerence Differs From Love, Lust, and Infatuation
Understanding the distinction between limerence and genuine love is necessary for recognising what’s truly happening in your emotional world. While limerence can feel overwhelmingly powerful and “real,” it operates on fundamentally different principles than healthy love.
Limerence vs. Healthy Love
| Limerence | Healthy Love |
|---|---|
| Built on fantasy and idealisation | Grounded in reality and acceptance |
| Self-centred focus on validation | Other-centred focus on partner’s wellbeing |
| Seeks to possess and win affection | Seeks genuine partnership and intimacy |
| Intrusive, uncontrollable thoughts | Warm, welcome thoughts that foster connection |
| Emotional rollercoaster of euphoria and despair | Emotional stability, security, and peace |
| Time-limited (3 months to 3 years) | Potential to last a lifetime |
Limerence is built on fantasy and idealisation. You project perfection onto the LO, carefully curating an image of who they are while ignoring reality. Healthy love, by contrast, is grounded in reality. It accepts imperfections and is built on genuine knowledge of your partner, including their flaws and quirks. Love sees the whole person and chooses them anyway.
The focus of limerence is ultimately self-centred. Your primary desire is not the LO’s wellbeing but the validation and reciprocation of your feelings. You’re consumed by the question: “Do they feel the same way about me?” Healthy love is other-centred. It prioritises your partner’s happiness, growth, and wellbeing, often alongside or even above your own needs.
Limerence vs. Lust
When comparing limerence to lust, the difference lies in what you’re truly seeking. Lust is primarily a physical and sexual desire. While limerence may include sexual attraction, the core driver is an intense longing for emotional union and validation. You fantasise about being “chosen” by the LO, about having your feelings returned, often more than about physical intimacy itself.
Limerence vs. Infatuation
A crush or infatuation is typically lighter and more manageable. It might bring a smile to your face when you see the person, but it doesn’t disrupt your life or cause significant distress. Limerence is all-consuming and profoundly disruptive. It feels uncontrollable, interfering with your ability to be present for your partner, children, work, and yourself.
Recognising these distinctions doesn’t diminish the intensity of what you’re experiencing. Limerence is neurologically real and psychologically powerful. However, understanding it for what it truly is—an obsessive state rather than genuine love—is essential for making informed decisions about your relationships and taking steps toward healing.
The Three Stages of Limerence in Affairs
Limerence follows a predictable lifecycle, progressing through three distinct stages that can last anywhere from a few months to several years. Understanding where you or your partner might be in this cycle provides valuable context for what to expect and how to intervene effectively.
Stage 1: Infatuation
This initial stage begins with what feels like a spark—a moment of attraction or deep admiration for the Limerent Object. You notice something special about them, perhaps their intelligence, humour, kindness, or simply the way they make you feel seen and appreciated. At first, thoughts about the LO are frequent but not yet all-consuming. They feel pleasant, even exciting, like a delightful distraction from the mundane aspects of daily life.
Key characteristics of the infatuation stage:
- Focus primarily on the LO’s positive traits
- Minimise or overlook anything negative
- Begin the process of idealisation
- Actively seek opportunities for interaction
- The affair exists mostly in your mind as daydreams
The key element driving progression to the next stage is a mix of hope and uncertainty. You begin wondering whether your feelings might be reciprocated. This uncertainty, rather than discouraging you, actually intensifies your interest. Your brain’s reward system becomes engaged, and you find yourself thinking about them more and more.
Stage 2: Crystallisation
This is the peak of limerence, where the obsession becomes fully formed and utterly consuming. The term “crystallisation” describes how you interpret every neutral or positive action from the LO as a sign that they return your feelings. A simple smile becomes evidence of mutual attraction. A brief conversation is analysed for hours afterward, searching for hidden meanings and proof that they care.
Thoughts about the LO now occupy the majority of your mental space, often 85% to 100% of your waking hours. These thoughts are involuntary and intrusive, interfering with your ability to concentrate at work, be present with your family, or engage in activities you once enjoyed. Your mood becomes entirely dependent on the LO’s behaviour. Receiving a message sends you into euphoric bliss. Perceived indifference or a delayed response plunges you into anxiety and despair.
During crystallisation, several things happen:
- You construct an elaborate fantasy bond that exists primarily in your mind
- In this fantasy, the LO is perfect and ideally suited to meet all your needs
- The fantasy feels more real and compelling than your actual relationship
- You begin viewing your committed partner negatively by comparison
- You often rewrite your marital history to justify your feelings
During crystallisation, the affair often escalates from purely emotional to active engagement. You might begin secret meetings, constant messaging, or even physical intimacy. However, the primary goal remains emotional—you desperately want the LO to love you back, to validate the intense feelings consuming you.
Stage 3: Deterioration
Limerence cannot be sustained indefinitely. The intense fantasy must eventually confront reality, leading to deterioration through one of three pathways:
1. Starvation
You receive a clear, unambiguous rejection from the LO, or they become completely unavailable. With no hope to sustain the obsession, the limerence slowly and painfully fades. This process can take months and is often agonising, involving withdrawal symptoms similar to addiction before you finally reach acceptance.
2. Transference
Your feelings are fully reciprocated, and you enter into a committed relationship with the LO. The fantasy is forced to confront the reality of who this person truly is. As their human flaws, annoying habits, and incompatibilities become apparent, the idealised image shatters. The intense limerent feelings typically fade, leaving either the foundation for genuine love or profound disillusionment.
3. Disillusionment
You begin seeing the LO’s flaws independently, without rejection or consummation. The fantasy simply becomes too exhausting to maintain. The “sparkle” fades, and you start perceiving the LO as an ordinary, imperfect person. This can happen gradually or as a sudden moment of clarity.
The deterioration phase is often marked by intense feelings of withdrawal, depression, shame, and regret as you’re forced to confront the reality of your actions and the devastation you’ve caused. While painful, deterioration represents the beginning of potential recovery and the opportunity to address the underlying issues that made you vulnerable to limerence in the first place.
Recognising the Warning Signs of a Limerence Affair
Identifying a limerence affair can be challenging because it begins subtly and is often carefully hidden. However, distinct patterns emerge in both the limerent person’s behaviour and the dynamics of the primary relationship that can help you recognise what’s happening.
Emotional and Behavioural Changes in the Limerent Person
Mood and Mental State:
- Extreme mood swings directly connected to phone use or interactions with a specific person
- One moment elated and energised; the next, irritable, anxious, or withdrawn
- Mind constantly wanders to daydreams and fantasies about the LO
- Obsessively replay past conversations
- Difficulty being mentally present for current responsibilities
Technology and Communication Patterns:
- Phone becomes an extension of the body
- Check it constantly, sometimes dozens of times per hour
- Manufacture reasons to contact the LO
- Secrecy becomes second nature: delete messages, hide phone screen, create separate social media accounts
- Offer vague or defensive explanations about whereabouts
Behavioural Changes:
- Suddenly change appearance or start new fitness routines
- Adopt new interests that align with the LO’s hobbies
- Bring the LO’s name into conversations frequently
- Praise their qualities excessively
Physical Symptoms:
- Difficulty sleeping
- Changes in appetite
- Restlessness
- Racing heart when thinking about the LO
- General sense of nervous energy
Changes Within the Primary Relationship
Emotional Withdrawal:
Your partner likely senses the emotional withdrawal first. You become distant, unavailable, and disinterested in meaningful conversation or connection. Where you once shared your thoughts and feelings openly, you now offer surface-level responses or retreat into silence.
Intimacy Decline:
- Physical and emotional intimacy decline dramatically
- Loss of interest in sex
- Avoid physical affection
- Seem uncomfortable with closeness
- Find excuses to avoid engagement
Criticism and Comparison:
- Become increasingly critical of your partner
- Traits once found endearing now cause annoyance
- Make unfavourable comparisons to the idealised LO
- May rewrite relationship history, claiming you’ve never been truly happy
Gaslighting and Deflection:
When your partner expresses concerns about your behaviour, you respond with gaslighting—denying reality, calling them paranoid, jealous, or insecure. You deflect blame, making them question their own perceptions and sanity. This is deeply cruel, adding psychological manipulation to emotional betrayal.
Routine Changes:
- Suddenly working late more often
- Taking up new activities that create opportunities for contact with the LO
- Having absences you can’t adequately explain
- Lack of empathy: show excessive concern for the LO’s feelings while demonstrating disturbing indifference to your partner’s pain
These warning signs don’t appear all at once, but recognising even a few of them should prompt honest self-reflection or serious conversation with your partner. The sooner limerence is identified and addressed, the better the chances for recovery and healing.
Pathways to Healing: Breaking Free From Limerence
Recovery from a limerence affair is challenging but entirely possible with commitment, honesty, and the right support. The process requires both partners to engage in difficult, sustained work, whether you choose to rebuild the relationship or separate with dignity and clarity.
The Non-Negotiable First Step: No Contact
If you’re the limerent person, implementing strict, absolute no contact with the Limerent Object is the single most important action you must take. This isn’t a suggestion or an option—it’s an essential requirement for breaking the obsessive cycle.
What no contact means:
- No calls, texts, emails, or messages of any kind
- No social media interaction
- Block the LO on all platforms: phone, messaging apps, social media, email
- Do not check their profiles or search for information about them
- No physical proximity or “accidental” encounters
- Avoid events where they’ll be present
Special circumstances:
If the LO is a colleague, you may need to request a department transfer or, in some cases, change jobs entirely. If they’re in your social circle, you must avoid gatherings where they’ll be present until you’ve achieved significant recovery.
This feels impossibly harsh and painful. Every part of you will want to make exceptions—“just one message to explain,” “just checking their page won’t hurt,” “we can be friends once things calm down.” These are lies your addicted brain tells you.
“Every single interaction, no matter how small, resets the withdrawal process and feeds the obsession. Each ‘crumb’ of attention triggers the dopamine reward system, reinforcing the neural pathways you’re trying to weaken.”
If you’re ready to explore your own inner voice and develop a more compassionate relationship with yourself, Liminal Therapy offers both in-person counselling and online therapy sessions. Sessions are flexible, affordable, and tailored to your pace. Together, we can begin the gentle process of transforming self-criticism into self-understanding, one step at a time.
To get started, contact me here, or call 07969547876 for a free 20-minute call to see how we can work together.
